[dreamed-up article, from my twisted sense of humor]:
Feb. 18—As a result of vice-president Cheney’s recent hunting accident in which he shot his friend in the face and chest, all Secret Service agents who are assigned to protect the vice president must undergo intensive psychological retraining. It is hoped that this retraining will allow them to, when necessary, point their arms toward the person they are guarding.
"When he’s in attack mode, there’s no telling who he’ll go after," announced supervisor Jim Gold. "Our agents need to understand that it’s no longer Mr. Cheney they need to protect, but those who Mr. Cheney comes into contact with."
Agents who attended the first training session this morning are, for the most part, confused. "I just can’t seem to get it into my head that the tables have completely turned. I’m being told to anticipate the need to shoot my boss."
An unidentified source within the agency suggested that at some future point it will be determined that Mr. Cheney no longer needs any Secret Service agents. "It’s an undue burden to have to pay people to protect someone while simultaneously protecting themselves and others from the person they’re protecting . . . ."
The source then suffered a mild heart attack.