Sam Harris

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8)

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Rocks Developed Consciousness to Survive: Scientists

New York, New York, August 1, 2006
Special to: The Raving Atheist

Consciousness first arose in the universe when rocks developed it to avoid being smothered by paper, a university study has concluded.

A panel of M.I.T. scientists discovered a three billion-year old stone tablet on which a large chunk of quartz had etched its reasons for developing self-awareness. "After I mindlessly destroyed Scissors by falling upon him, I realized I had rendered myself defenseless against Paper," the rock wrote.

The rock noted that its purpose as an organism—to exist as a hardened lump of matter formed by silicon and oxygen atoms clinging together—was threatened by the gradual loss of surface particles resulting from the friction of the smothering process.

The rock also observed that complex combinations of hydrogen, carbon, nitrogen and oxygen were engaged in similar attempts at consciousness to avoid falling apart. "Unfortunately, they are obsessed with whether some other form of consciousness pre-existed them, as well as with the nature and limitations of that form," it said. "Worse yet, they are preoccupied with each other's mind-states regarding those questions—even though all beliefs are equally valid truth-sensations compelled by the unique permutation of atoms projected upon an individual's three dimensional spatial grid at a given point in time."

Some of the new molecular structures were also concerned with whether others were engaged in deceptive, hypocritical or self-aggrandizing representations regarding their actual beliefs about earlier conscious beings, the rock said. "Once again, such representations would be the inevitable end-products of the individual's internal matter configuration, so it is regrettable that such criticisms are consuming time better spent confronting the threat that Paper poses to us all."

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(borrowed from MentalFloss.com because it was too perfect not to)

http://www.neatorama.com/images/2006-07/world-rock-paper-scissor-society.jpg

I am totally jazzed about this new mechanistic world view. The Raving Atheist needs to know about the following:

I think related to this is the notion that you can make other people happy just by thinking good thoughts about them. Observed fact: The human body is 90% water. By mass, something having nothing to do with Catholicism.

Somebody reported to me an experiment they had heard about where they placed jars of water on separate tables and had people walk up to one jar and think good thoughts about the water it contained; the other jar, people directed all their negative thoughts and fears at. Then the jars of water were refrigerated and frozen. The repository of happy thoughts formed beautiful, macroscopic ice crystals (according to reports!) and that which became the repository of unhappy thoughts formed the usual random aggregate of microcrystals and gas bubbles. Draw your own conclusion.

Mine is that the one toward which people directed their good thoughts simply contained filtered and triple-distilled, and the other one contained heavily-chlorinated tap water.  :shock:

The future of spirituality is indeed bright.

Or where the jars were placed in the freezer.  The ones placed farther from the cooling source would probably have different crystaline structures that ones who froze quicker.

Hey Mia, Nice article.
I don’t know if youse guys play this version of RPS out west, but sometimes we use dynamite (the thumb).  It destroys everything, but scissors can cut the wick.

Don’t wanna give Mr. Rock any more worries than he probably already has. :wink:

I think related to this is the notion that you can make other people happy just by thinking good thoughts about them.

I think this may work on men, but women actually want the proof, the flowers, the ring, the anniversary present.  “I was thinking about it” just doesn’t cut it !!!

Soon our fortunes will be made, my darling
And we will leave this loathsome little town
Silver bells jingling from your black lizard boots, my baby
Silver foil to trim your wedding gown

Proof
Some people gonna call you up
Tell you something that you already know
Sane people go crazy on you
Say ‘‘No man, that was not
The deal we made
I got to, I got to, I got to’‘
Faith
Faith is an island in the setting sun
But proof, yes
Proof is the bottom line for everyone

—Paul Simon