Everyone is Bob
Posted: 19 February 2007 04:40 AM   [ Ignore ]  
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Imagine, if you will, a world in which everyone is called 'Bob'.  Even God is called Bob.  A child who was asked to pray at the dinner table could get off with a simple, "Hi Bob, thanks for the nice food.  Amen."  Jehovah, Allah, Yaway, Vishnu, Buddha, Zeus, the Great Spirit all become 'Bob'.  Then, since we're all made in Bob's image, we too are all called Bob.  When making copies of something, you don't give each copy a different name.  Pennies are all called pennies. 

No more forgetting names.  Pass someone on the street,  either sex, any age, "Hi Bob!"  No more embarrassing reunions where a person remembers you, but you can't remember them.  "Bob!  Good to see you!  Been a long time!  This your wife?  Hi Bob!"  Introductions are easy.  "Bob, this is Bob."  No more fumbling with notes for ministers in Las Vegas - "Bob, do you take Bob to be your lawful wedded wife?"  No more family arguments about what to name the children.  Bob.

Hauled into court?  "Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth so help your Bob?"  "Yes."  See?  No problem, even for an atheist.  Accused of a crime?  "Yes, as you say, it was Bob.  Bob told me to do it."

What's more, when Jesus comes back he'll be called Bob.  Christmas carols will change.  'Away in a manger, no crib for a bed, the little Lord Bob layed down his sweet head.'  When he grows up and starts to preach, all his disciples will be called Bob.  The devil is also Bob.  "Get behind me Bob!"  "What you do to the least of these Bobs, you do also to me."  Notice that his meanings become more clear - less room for different interpretations.  Don't hurt Bob.

Atheists would not be discriminated against any more in the job market or in politics.  "Do you believe in Bob?"  "Yes."  "Have you ever taken Bob's name in vain?"  "No."

The main advantage of this change in nomenclature, though, is that all Gods would become 'Bob' and wars would lose one of their primary causes.  No one is going to kill you for worshipping Bob.  Since atheists don't believe in Bob you might think that will be cause for strife, but who will find out?  "Bob does not exist!"  Believers will just laugh.  They won't take such an assertion seriously.  After all, Bob is everywhere.  As an atheist you will fly under the radar as a lunatic.  Also, before you argue this point, consider how little difference there is between Bob and God.  Bob is Bob spelled backwards, unlike God, which becomes Dog when spelled backwards.  Bob is better.

All Jews become Bob, so they don't get picked on anymore.  Palestinians are all Bob.  Why would Bob do a dumb thing like excavating with a bulldozer right next to Bob's holiest shrine?  Why would Bob want to fire rockets into Bob's neighborhood?  "Bob killed 52 Bobs today and wounded 78 other Bobs."  No!  People would think twice before committing mayhem.  Would Bob drop a nuclear bomb on a city full of men, women, and children called Bob?  No.  The bomb would be called 'Big Bob', and who would want to drop 'Big Bob' on a city full of Bobs?

All pets are also called Bob.  "Here Bob!!"  No, they won't all come running.  Dogs know their master's voice, so the wrong one doesn't come.

Making love is easier.  "Bob!  Oh, Bob!  Bob!"  No more tantrums and thrown alarm clocks because you shouted the wrong name.

Signing checks?  Bob.  Everyone's writing is different so there's no problem.  Phone books?  Smaller.  Saves on paper and cuts down on greenhouse gases.  Even Russians are called Bob.  Clerks won't waste any more time asking, "How do you spell that?"  No more embarrassment because your Dutch grandfather's name was Herr Tits.  (remember the relief when you and your sister finally talked you father into changing the family name to 'Tibbs'?)

History is easier.  "The Great Wall was built in the Bob Dynasty by the Emperor Bob."  Who defeated Bob at Waterloo?  Admiral Bob.

Contestants would have a better chance of winning a million dollars on 'Who Wants to be a Millionaire?'  "Who was the drummer on the Grateful Deads 1981 tour in Japan?"  Bob.

This isn't a new idea.  Ants adopted it a long time ago and it has saved them a lot of trouble.  The cult of personality is fundamentally a mistake, and a pain in the ass.  Why crowd eternity with individuals?  Why pack courthouses with billions of birth certificates, and death certificates?  Look at ants.  Who cares about one of them after he's been dead for two hundred years?  "Oh, look!  Here's Bob the ant's tombstone.  Bob.  Born 2005, died 2007 - run over by a tricycle.  Survived by Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob . . . Doesn't make any sense, does it, to make an individual out of him?

Finally, there's no need to worry about dying.  Just be everyone else before you go and afterward you can carry on without missing a beat.  Buddha becomes Bob.  Everyone is Bob.

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“The simple fables of the religious of the world have come to seem like tales told to children.”  - Nobel Prize recipient - Francis Crick

“It is time we recognized the boundless narcissism and self-deceit of the saved.” - Sam Harris

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Posted: 19 February 2007 05:35 AM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 1 ]  
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http://www.bobs.com/

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INVEST in cynicism!

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Posted: 19 February 2007 01:02 PM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 2 ]  
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So what do you use as a float when fishing?

How do you pull apples out of a bucket?

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“Don’t listen to me, listen to your head”
—Jourgensen

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Posted: 20 February 2007 05:42 AM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 3 ]  
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[quote author=“ligh+bringer”]So what do you use as a float when fishing?

How do you pull apples out of a bucket?

Right!  That’s the spirit.  Also, I got to thinking that history would not only be easier if everyone was Bob, it would also be different.  For example, what if it had been Bob Hitler instead of Adolph?  “Hi Bob!  How’s the watercolors coming along?”

Bob:  Great!  I just sold one to my Aunt Bob - a little landscape of her country place on the Rhine.  She’s going to display it prominently at her next soiree and invite lots of wealthy art patrons.

Bob:  That’s wonderful.  Say, nice mustache!  Suits you!

See what I mean?  If you’re called Bob you’re much more likely to have a sunny disposition, and this opens doors for you.  Bob Hitler met an attractive young Jewess at that soiree, a woman who had a gallery on Justinstraate in Antwerp.  They got married and ran a successful business for years - three nice kids, all girls - Bob, Bob, and Bob.  The girls had rich uncles in the diamond business who left them a fortune - a very successful family.

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“The simple fables of the religious of the world have come to seem like tales told to children.”  - Nobel Prize recipient - Francis Crick

“It is time we recognized the boundless narcissism and self-deceit of the saved.” - Sam Harris

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