Song of Solomon: A Literal Visual Guide
Posted: 20 March 2007 11:23 PM   [ Ignore ]  
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While in discussion with a Christian pal recently, I asked if the Bible had any guidance to offer in the area of teenage sexuality. He had claimed that it's a very positive tool for teaching teens about how to handle their desires, and I naturally found that claim rather dubious.  My search had brought up nothing but forbidding, shaming, threatening or downright creepy sexual references. Where was the feelgood stuff?

Finally, he whipped out the Song of Solomon—famously read at many a wedding, and held up as a sacred dialogue between husband and wife.

Except for the unfortunate fact that the author—King Solomon himself, supposedly—is a total hound. As you all probably know (but I sure didn't, until recently), good old Sol really fancied the ladies, and is said to have had 700 concubines and 300 wives. I'd say that's a tad embellished, but this is biblical canon, after all, and who are we to question God's tally of the King's conquests. God says Sol shagged a thousand chicks, so I take him at his word.

Based on that knowledge alone, to hold this up as a "sacred" text is simply beyond hilarious. How do they do it with a straight face? Dude was the Hugh Hefner of his day, and his sexed-up, drunken ramblings to one of his mistresses is presented to us as the most romantic words ever spoken in the name of the Lord. I'm especially baffled when it gets trotted out at Catholic weddings :?. Kind of makes my skin crawl.


While doing a little googling in prep for getting back in conversation with my friend, I found this graphic. Hope you enjoy—I think they covered most of the relevant anatomy. Get a load of those teeth :mrgreen:.


p.s. Apologies for the fact that it fills the screen.

http://www.thedoormagazine.com/newsletter/songofsolomon.jpg

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Posted: 21 March 2007 12:06 AM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 1 ]  
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That drawing is off by about 9996 shields.


I wonder what would happen if I told a girl she smelled like Lebanon. You think I’d be in?

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Posted: 21 March 2007 02:34 AM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 2 ]  
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Ah—the quintessential biblical babe.  Did Solomon even know her name?  Must have been pretty hard to keep track, what with 700 concubines and 300 wives.  Oy!

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Posted: 21 March 2007 08:44 AM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 3 ]  
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Thy navel is like a round goblet, which wanteth not liquor.

Not sure where in SofS it is, but Solomon is saying this to his bride (who he hasn’t married yet!!!).  Now navel here really means virgina.  Now how did Solomon know what his bride tasted like down there if he hadn’t performed oral sex on her?
This is where some Christians (like Bill Clinton) use the bible to say oral sex isn’t really sex.

Now if the bible were written by god it would say


Thy navel is like a round goblet, which tasteth like tuna

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Posted: 21 March 2007 02:12 PM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 4 ]  
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[quote author=“MrMody”]

Now if the bible were written by god it would say


Thy navel is like a round goblet, which tasteth like tuna

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Posted: 22 March 2007 09:29 AM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 5 ]  
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rab—
cute emoticon… is that a toxic tuna cloud?

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Posted: 22 March 2007 09:47 AM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 6 ]  
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[quote author=“MrMody”]Thy navel is like a round goblet, which wanteth not liquor.

Not sure where in SofS it is, but Solomon is saying this to his bride (who he hasn’t married yet!!!).  Now navel here really means virgina.  Now how did Solomon know what his bride tasted like down there if he hadn’t performed oral sex on her?
This is where some Christians (like Bill Clinton) use the bible to say oral sex isn’t really sex.

Now if the bible were written by god it would say


Thy navel is like a round goblet, which tasteth like tuna


I think something was fermenting in this woman’s virgina.

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Posted: 22 March 2007 10:31 PM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 7 ]  
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[quote author=“snapshot1”][quote author=“MrMody”]Now navel here really means virgina.

I think something was fermenting in this woman’s virgina.

“Virgina”? Uh, no. The body part in question is not a state in the Union :D. Consider spelling it ‘vagina’. This should
improve your chances of finding one, and even possibly accessing it, rather than being directed to the east coast.


There are some visuals I really wish they could’ve found a way to fit into the above sketch, like:

“I liken you, my darling, to a mare
    harnessed to one of the chariots of Pharaoh.”

“My lover is to me a sachet of myrrh
    resting between my breasts.”

“You are a garden locked up, my sister, my bride;
  you are a spring enclosed, a sealed fountain.”

“His arms are rods of gold
    set with chrysolite.
    His body is like polished ivory
    decorated with sapphires.”

“Your head crowns you like Mount Carmel.
    Your hair is like royal tapestry;”

“Your stature is like that of the palm,
    and your breasts like clusters of fruit.”

“I said, “I will climb the palm tree;
    I will take hold of its fruit.”
    May your breasts be like the clusters of the vine”


(especially creep parts)

(Solomon speaking here)

“Sixty queens there may be,
    and eighty concubines,
    and virgins beyond number;
but my dove, my perfect one, is unique,
   

(Solomon’s female lover speaking here)

“I opened for my lover,
    but my lover had left; he was gone.
    My heart sank at his departure.
    I looked for him but did not find him.
    I called him but he did not answer.
The watchmen found me
    as they made their rounds in the city.
    They beat me, they bruised me;
    they took away my cloak,

    those watchmen of the walls! “

(the crowd speaking here)

“We have a young sister,
    and her breasts are not yet grown.
    What shall we do for our sister
    for the day she is spoken for?
If she is a wall,
    we will build towers of silver on her.
    If she is a door,
    we will enclose her with panels of cedar.”

 

:shock: Just thought we ought to enjoy more of what the Lord considers ultimately loving, arousing, and of course sacred. No need to thank me.

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Posted: 23 March 2007 05:11 AM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 8 ]  
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[quote author=“Mia”]“Virgina”? Uh, no. The body part in question is not a state in the Union :D. Consider spelling it ‘vagina’. . . .

I’ve always been a great admirer of a woman’s south carolina. The north ones are fine, as well.

Terrific thread, Mia—one that I suspect religious readers as well as the atheistically inclined can’t help but chuckle at.

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Posted: 23 March 2007 05:38 AM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 9 ]  
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For some reason, the Song of Solomon reminds me of Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky…and Gennifer Flowers… and Paula Jones….

A wise ruler who can’t keep his ‘member’ in his pants.

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Posted: 23 March 2007 07:26 AM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 10 ]  
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[quote author=“Mia”][quote author=“snapshot1”][quote author=“MrMody”]Now navel here really means virgina.

I think something was fermenting in this woman’s virgina.

“Virgina”? Uh, no. The body part in question is not a state in the Union :D. Consider spelling it ‘vagina’. This should
improve your chances of finding one, and even possibly accessing it, rather than being directed to the east coast.

No one said anything about Virginia. Are you making fun of my southern drawl? You are a racist, ma’am! A racist through and through!

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