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God’s Unconditional Love Officially Terminated
Earth- Mass panic ensued among Christians last Sunday when God issued a formal statement from Heaven saying that His pure and sublime love, on which millions of people depend, will no longer be provided unconditionally.
“If you want my love you’re going to have to earn it,” said God, backed by a chorus of Seraphim who continuously sang His praise. “This generally involves being a good person, and making at least one genuine attempt to benefit humanity over the course of your painfully short lives.”
The termination of His divine love came as a startling shock to the roughly 1.9 billion Christians around the world who have grown accustomed to waking up every morning to the warm and comforting embrace of an infallible, omnipotent being of indescribable power who cares about each and every one of them on a deeply personal level.
“I was always told that God was the only person who loved me more even more than I love myself, but I guess that’s not the case anymore,” said Luke Benet, 4th generation Christian. “This worries me because I think it means I’ll have to actually take stock in myself, and maybe even start giving a damn.”
Prior to the revocation, God’s transcendent love was forcibly showered upon every person on Earth with no stipulations, costs, or behavioral expectations. This generous distribution format, referred to by God as the “Free Love” model, had been maintained by God for over 2,000 years. Now many who have taken His love for granted are pitifully looking for ways to earn it back.
“I’ve already sacrificed a few stray cats, but who knows if that’s the sort of thing an omnipotent being would like,” said Nate Rogers, church-goer and racquetball enthusiast. “If only He left us with a more concrete set of guidelines, or maybe some rules that we could follow in order to please Him, then maybe I wouldn’t be caught whistling in the dark.”
In response to complaints like these, God has advised the sinners of mankind to read His international bestseller “The Bible,” which has already been translated into over 2,000 languages, including Pig Latin. Still, in spite of its enormous popularity, the book is rarely read apart from choice snippets and easily digestible maxims that are clearly taken out of their deeply historical context.
“My book, The Bible, may seem cryptic at times, but it also provides valuable life lessons such as ‘do unto others as you would have them do unto you,’” said the Almighty Lord to a lost and forsaken humanity. God was then quick to point out that lessons such as these could only be found in His book, that it would be pointless to search elsewhere, and that any such searching would make him very jealous.
Copies of The Bible can be purchased at most bookstores, but are also commonly found behind pews, in courtrooms, and in the drawers of hotel room bedstands.
“I know Jon 3:16 is important,” said Gina Snopes of Tarzana, California, “but I only know that because I see it on the bottom of the paper cups at In-N-Out.”
While a handful of eternally damned academics are skeptical that such an archaic text, steeped in the values and customs of an era long past, would have any sort of bearing on modern life whatsoever, there remain cadres of religious scholars who agree with God that there is something to learn from it.
“The Bible may surprise you,” said Ron Mauler, professor of religious studies at the University of Kansas. “If you ignore the parts that endorse rape, murder, pillage, sexism, slavery, and a host of other abominable sins against humanity, then what you’re left with is actually a pretty decent set of guidelines to live your life by.”
Among those who are most deeply hurt by God’s withdrawal of His love are those who only recently converted to Christianity with the expectation that God would love them for no other reason than the fact that they acknowledged it. Many recent converts claim that if they knew they had to work for God’s love, that the religion as a whole would have been much less appealing.
In order to prevent Christians like these from losing faith, but also to prevent God’s children from being consumed by the cold and unforgiving vacuum of their recently emptied souls, Pope Benedict XVI has announced that he will be giving out free hugs at St. Peter’s Square until the spiritual void is filled, or his arms get tired. In an unorthodox move, he has enlisted Amma, the hugging saint, for guidance as to how to deliver hugs on the global level.
“I can’t take the place of God,” said the Pope, rolling up his white sleeves in preparation for a hard day’s work, “but I can sure as Hell try.”
By Michael Wakcher