Champ Saves the Lone Ranger
Champ was sitting in his recliner watching a re-run of 'The X Files' and munching Cheetos when an apparition came into the room. It was a swarthy figure wearing a headband and a buckskin shirt with fringes on the sleeves.
Champ: (using his remote to turn down the volume on the TV) So, who are you? A burglar? I thought I locked the door.
Apparition: I'm an angel. I took the liberty of coming through your wall. I've been sent to thank you for admonishing those atheists on the Sam Har . . .
Champ: (leaning forward, adjusting his glasses) I know you! Jay Silverheels!
Jay: Right! You remember me from the Lone Ranger series?
Champ: Sure I do! Tonto! The Lone Ranger's faithful companion! I'll be darned! So where's Kimosabe? Where's Clayton? How is he?
Jay: Um, Clayton couldn't come. Uh, he didn't make it. Sorry.
Champ: Didn't make it? You don't mean . . . ?
Jay: Right. (points down with his thumb)
Champ: Clayton Moore, the Lone Ranger went to hell? Hey, you're pulling my leg, right? Clayton was one of the most upright people in Hollywood. Heart of gold! Lived just like his TV character. Helped everyone.
Jay: I know, I know. Tell me about it. Shame. Thing is, he couldn't stop wearing his mask - you know - public appearances, parties, visiting kid's hospitals and so forth. Then he gets older, right? And they find a younger guy to take the part, and the studio asks him to stop wearing the mask - you know - they wanted the public to start accepting the new guy. Anyway, Clayton ignores them and continues to wear his mask when he goes out to sign autographs and stuff. So, get this, the studio gets a court order for him to quit. (Jay wipes his eye, chokes) Anyway, dammit, Clayton refuses to quit wearing his mask. He loved playing that character, and people didn't recognize him without his mask.
Champ: Hey, wait a friggin minute! A court order? Clayton went to hell because he ignored a stupid court order? He was a model citizen! A rare phenomenon in Hollywood! A real American!
Jay: (uncomfortable. looks down and shuffles his feet) Well, thing is he had a lot of unpaid parking tickets. He felt that, being who he was, he should be able to park wherever he wanted, and then . . . well, you know, the horse trailer and all.
Champ: Parking tickets? Geez! You can't go to hell for unpaid parking tickets! What about the old 70 X 7 deal?
Jay: You mean forgiveness?
Champ: Right! When Jesus was asked how many times we should forgive each other he said, "Not once, not twice, but seventy times seven!"
Jay: (looking at his fingers and wiggling them as though counting) Well, let's see . . . 70 X 7 . . . that's 490 times. See, that's the trouble there. Clayton racked up 513 parking tickets and never paid any of them.
Champ: This has got to be the dumbest thing I ever heard. (gets up and starts pacing) You can't send the Lone Ranger to hell for parking tickets, or for wearing his mask at Toys R Us promotions! How was he supposed to make a living? Do you have a cell phone? I want to talk to God! How long has he been down there? (extends his hand for phone and wiggles his fingers)
Jay: (fishing under his buckskin for cell phone - hands it to Champ) Dial H.E.A.V.E.N. When Marilyn answers, ask for extension G.O.D.
Champ: Marilyn? You mean . . . ?
Jay: (nods, and twirls his hand for Champ to hurry up and make the call) Right. Marilyn got the job as receptionist. She's a smart lady, not the stereotypical blond people imagine.
Champ: (punches in the letters and waits)
Marilyn: (soft, breathy voice) Is that you Mr. President?
Champ: No, it's Champ. I'm here with Jay.
Marilyn: Tonto? How is Tonto?
Jay: (whispers impatiently) Ask her for extension G.O.D.
Champ: Tonto's good. I want to talk to God, Marilyn, could you put Him on?
Jay: (nervously starts munching Cheetos from Champ's bowl) Tell her extension G.O.D.
Marilyn: Jack isn't in right now, can I take a message? Is this Mr. Ali?
Champ: No, not that champ. I'm another Champ.
Jay: Tell her extension G.O.D. for God's sake!
Champ: Give me extension G.O.D. Marilyn.
Marilyn: One moment please.
Champ: (putting his hand over the speaker) She's putting me through.
Champ: (jerks phone away from ear and massages his ear) Uh, God? This is the Champion . . . . . . . . you know, the Sam Harris Forum? . . . . . anyway, I'm here with Jay Silverheels and he was just telling me that Clayton Moore went to hell because of unpaid parking tickets and for violating a court order not to wear his mask, and I just wanted to . . . . . (takes phone away from ear) Damn! He hung up!
Jay: He's busy on Sundays - lots of petitions. (wiggles his fingers for phone) I'll talk to him. Any more of those crunchies? (Champ refills the Cheeto bowl from a huge Cosco bag while Jay places the call)
Marilyn: (soft, sultry voice) This is Heaven. (musically) I see your name here Jay!
Jay: Extension G.O.D.
Jay: (wiggles his fingers for Champ to bring Cheeto bowl within his reach) Chief? Jay here! . . . . . I know your busy. Right, I'll make it short. I've got a bloke here who thinks it's unfair about Clayton. Right, right, the parking ticket thing. Right . . . uh huh . . . the mask. Huh? (turns to look Champ up and down) I dunno. Typical fundie type. Right! Brains all scrambled with Bible fables. Yes, that's him! Preaches on the Sam Harris Forum. Bingo! Yes, that's the one. Right, no common sense. Yes, thinks science is malarkey. Right, right, the Adam and Eve nonsense. . . takes his cues from Limbaugh. I know, I know. Yea, the global warming thing. Huh? Get him on something? Like what? Right - a real goody-two-shoes - yes, thinks he's a shoo-in. Huh? Arrogance? Yea . . . okay . . . that'll work. Sure, got it. Get him in for arrogance. Huh? No, doesn't have a clue that he might be wrong about anything. Right, Christian bigot type. No, it's useless, they've all tried to set him straight. Right, the cocksure type, no humility. Sure. Okay. Right. I'll tell Beelzy. Arrogance. Got it. Huh? Oh, absolutely! 'Way over the 70 X 7 mark. Swap across the board for Clayton . . . yes . . . got it. What? Oh, ha ha, Marilyn's working out okay. Wants to chat with everyone though. Yea, yea, I know. Good PR at the front dest - that's what I thought. Yes, I'll tell Clayton you said so. Yea, he'll understand. Say, uh, one more thing! Um, any chance Kimosabe and I could get a new supply of silver bullets? . . . . God? Hello? Damn!
Jay: Hung up on me. Anyway, yea, done deal. We're getting Clayton out of there thanks to you. Damn! I didn't get to ask about Silver!
Champ: (chuckles) Silver bullets?
Jay: No Clayton's horse. Kimosabe's not going to come up without Silver. (wipes Cheeto hand on buckskin and extends it to Champ) Anyway we'll work it out. Roy got Trigger in, and Lassie got in - we'll work it out. Champ! Been nice! Clayton's going to appreciate this. About time somebody helped the masked man for a change. I'll bet he sends you an autographed photo! (takes another handful of Cheetos and exits through wall).