Rocks Developed Consciousness to Survive: Scientists
New York, New York, August 1, 2006
Special to: The Raving Atheist
Consciousness first arose in the universe when rocks developed it to avoid being smothered by paper, a university study has concluded.
A panel of M.I.T. scientists discovered a three billion-year old stone tablet on which a large chunk of quartz had etched its reasons for developing self-awareness. "After I mindlessly destroyed Scissors by falling upon him, I realized I had rendered myself defenseless against Paper," the rock wrote.
The rock noted that its purpose as an organism—to exist as a hardened lump of matter formed by silicon and oxygen atoms clinging together—was threatened by the gradual loss of surface particles resulting from the friction of the smothering process.
The rock also observed that complex combinations of hydrogen, carbon, nitrogen and oxygen were engaged in similar attempts at consciousness to avoid falling apart. "Unfortunately, they are obsessed with whether some other form of consciousness pre-existed them, as well as with the nature and limitations of that form," it said. "Worse yet, they are preoccupied with each other's mind-states regarding those questions—even though all beliefs are equally valid truth-sensations compelled by the unique permutation of atoms projected upon an individual's three dimensional spatial grid at a given point in time."
Some of the new molecular structures were also concerned with whether others were engaged in deceptive, hypocritical or self-aggrandizing representations regarding their actual beliefs about earlier conscious beings, the rock said. "Once again, such representations would be the inevitable end-products of the individual's internal matter configuration, so it is regrettable that such criticisms are consuming time better spent confronting the threat that Paper poses to us all."
(borrowed from MentalFloss.com because it was too perfect not to)