Hey you are very kind Johnny Sweatpants and I have some news… I have another installment to make. Yes, I had a Scientology encounter.
Turns out, I am in their database never to be stricken from the Hubbardology database and believe me I have tried to get that job done. So basically I have relinquished my efforts in that area and embrace my encounters when the happen.
Last Week the phone rang. It was dinner time. I had just finished my last bite so lucky for them I did not feel too angry about the timing.
Scien… Church of…
chirped the audible caller ID. OH BOY! My friends have been moved with inspiration again. They need my money… er.. me. So I grab the receiver and give a throaty
to the unsuspecting one on the other end.
oh, Smooooth. They just assume it’s me. Just pick up and gab gab gab. This is a well played cold calling tactic done in the business world. Nobody calls me by my birth name so when I get the New Best Friend From Nowhere on the phone calling me by my birth name I know he’s trying to sell me something.
NOGGIN Hello! This is **garbled** from the Dianetics Foundation!
eh. Who is this again?
For the life of me I cannot explain why this person could not pronounce their own name coherently but this first exchange became uncomfortable… I mean, was I going to ask a third time? Maybe this was one of their disarming tactics? I mean, who gargles their own name?
Hi, Mr. Johnson nice to meet you and my name is… **takes out bottle of Scope, gets a mouthful** Groggleharrgrggrraarrg.
Anyway. Gargle makes up for name pronounciation in exhuberence. This man is ecstatic to talk with me. I instantly feel like a celebrity. Gargle wants to make sure that I am going to attend next week’s special audit session program.
Are you ready to RECOMMIT… REFOCUS… REVITALIZE you life Noggin? Because we are putting together an exclusive program and we want YOU to be a part of it, Noggin! It’s the Golden Age of Knowledge for Eternity!
Oh, okay… it’s my turn to say something now.
Look, Gargle, I really appreciate that you feel this is a major break through but I have to tell you, it honestly feels like you are trying to sell me something.
Sell you something? Sure there is money involved but that is second to the rapid progress on The Bridge that you will be making…. JUST THINK OF THE PROGRESS! It does not matter if you became a Scientologist in 1953 or yesterday.. this program has EVERYTHING to do with YOU and your ETERNITY.
Gargle begins to sound like he is reading from a script
You will witness first hand the riveting event that lauunched the most significant moment in Scientology history. This historic presentation documents the excitement of the discoveries and life-changing successes that surround what is the very base on which all Scientology rests. Noggin, change your eternity TODAY!
(I just typed that from the brochure that came in the mail like the next day after the phone call, indeed, Gargle was reading from it.. or something like it, the brochure is “The World of Scientology Changed Forever”).
Okay, Gargle, look, I am not a Scientologist.
It shows here that you did a couple of auditing sessions.
Yes, I did. But that was just to try to ascertain what Scientology was about. I do not affiliate with Scientology, I am an agnostic. In fact, I have a Dianetics kit I would like your organization to buy back from me.
Now WHY would we do that?
Because, I have determined Scientology is not what it claims.
And what do we claim to be?
Scientology claims to have an existential bridge that L Ron Hubbard built for us to walk across into enlightenment, Only Scientologists can walk on the bridge. Anyone else is not on the bridge and will not have a glorious eternity.
See, Gargle, I have to ask you a question. On what basis do I accept your claims and reject Islam’s?
Noggin, it’s all so simple. Scientology works!
But Gargle, Islam “works”... all religions “work”. There would not be such a huge following of people to the masses of world religion if they did not “work”. Theists posit the existence of a god… and if such a god existed, it would be extremely important to figure out how it wanted us to worship him while we lived on earth Don’t you think?
So then… Again, what is the basis that I should accept what Scientology teaches and reject the rest of world religion? Because if I am wrong, I will fry in the eternities. Each major religion has a very special outline as to what hell is and is not and who will go there. How do you suggest I prove to myself above that I should indeed be a Scientologist and not a Mormon or a Christian or a Buddhist or Muslim or a Jew? WHAT is the basis on which I can make such a weighty decision?
BIG PAUSE…........ Noggin, you just have to keep at it. You must try Scientology and then you will know what I am talking about.
You are telling me nothing that all of the other major world religions haven’t already told me. Try again.
Uh… okay, Noggin, I really have to go now. Nice talking to you.