Reception party in heaven for Christian newcomers

 
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unsmoked
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23 January 2011 17:13
 

SOIREE IN HEAVEN FOR CHRISTIAN NEWCOMERS

Cocktail in hand, Jack approaches Jesus:

Jack:  You must be Jesus.

Jesus:  (turning gratefully from his conversation with a former TV evangelist - extends his hand)  Yes.  How did you recognize me?

Jack:  (switches his drink to his left hand and shakes Jesus hand)  I’ve seen your picture.

Jesus:  (dubiously)  Ah, yes, my picture.  You are . . . ?

Jack:  I’m Jack Jones.  I talked to you during Katrina.

Jesus:  Katrina?  The German movie star?  Katrina Franck’s soiree was it?

Jack:  No.  Hurricane Katrina.  I prayed to you with all my heart and all my soul.

Jesus:  Oh, yes.  Hurricane Katrina.  Terrible business that.

Jack:  I was downtown.  My wife and kids were at home.  She called me on a cell phone.  When the downstairs flooded they went upstairs.  When the upstairs flooded they went up to the attic.  When the attic flooded they tried to break through the roof.

Jesus:  That was truly awful.

Jack:  That’s when I spoke to you last.  Asking if you could help them.  Remember?  ‘Ask and you shall receive?’  ‘Knock and it shall be opened?’

Jesus:  Yes.  Now I remember.  A lot of people were calling me then.  Terrible business that.  A helicopter got them off the roof?

Jack:  They all drowned in the attic.  The couldn’t get out.

Jesus:  (vaguely)  The Lord works in mysterious ways.  (looks around)  They’re here tonight?

Jack:  She didn’t get in.  She, um, had some indiscretions when she was young.

Jesus:  Indiscretions?  Oh, I see.  But she asked for forgiveness, right?

Jack:  No.  She thought the things that were written about you were phony.  She was an independent sort.  Lots of fun.

Jesus:  Oh.  Sorry to hear that.  The kids?  (looks around)  They’re here tonight, I mean, in the kids’ lounge?

Jack:  No.  They weren’t baptized.  Lisa thought it was a scam.

Jesus:  (takes Jack’s empty glass)  Let’s get you a refill.  (takes Jack’s arm) Have you met Ron the TV evangelist?  Interesting fellow, let me introduce you.  Boy!  Does he have some stories to tell!  Do you remember the revival at Madison Square Garden when he saved 7300 souls in one night?

 
 
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23 January 2011 22:10
 

I liked it….

 
 
Poldano
 
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24 January 2011 02:08
 

If that’s really heaven, I think Lisa got it right.

 
 
burt
 
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burt
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24 January 2011 02:32
 
Poldano - 24 January 2011 01:08 AM

If that’s really heaven, I think Lisa got it right.

Actually, it’s Hell, they just dressed up for the welcoming party.  The give away is that the tv evangelist is there.

 
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24 January 2011 02:44
 
burt - 24 January 2011 01:32 AM
Poldano - 24 January 2011 01:08 AM

If that’s really heaven, I think Lisa got it right.

Actually, it’s Hell, they just dressed up for the welcoming party.  The give away is that the tv evangelist is there.

Nice!

 
 
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24 January 2011 03:00
 
burt - 24 January 2011 01:32 AM
Poldano - 24 January 2011 01:08 AM

If that’s really heaven, I think Lisa got it right.

Actually, it’s Hell, they just dressed up for the welcoming party.  The give away is that the tv evangelist is there.

That seems to me the minimally sufficient explanation. I didn’t want to be the one to say that.

 
 
robbrownsyd
 
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robbrownsyd
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24 January 2011 07:30
 

Has anyone read Jean Paul Satre’s Huis Clos. It slowly dawns on the four protagonists that they are in hell, together. The ‘together’ bit is the hell. No fire and brimstone or never ending physical torture.  It’s a great play. I had to read itas an undergraduate.  The OP story puts me in mind of it.

 
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25 January 2011 19:48
 
robbrownsyd - 24 January 2011 06:30 AM

Has anyone read Jean Paul Satre’s Huis Clos. It slowly dawns on the four protagonists that they are in hell, together. The ‘together’ bit is the hell. No fire and brimstone or never ending physical torture.  It’s a great play. I had to read itas an undergraduate.  The OP story puts me in mind of it.

SOIREE IN HEAVEN FOR CHRISTIAN NEWCOMERS:  - (continued)

Leon:  (standing alone with his champagne among all the chatting newcomers - speaks loudly to all within earshot)  Has anyone read Nietsche?

Jesus:  (strolling over)  Neat-chi?  Why?  Is there one missing?  (extends his hand, chuckling)  Just kidding.  I’m Jesus, glad to have you with us.  You are . . .?

Leon:  (shakes Jesus’ hand)  Pleasure.  I’m Leonardo Pergolesi.  You’ve read Nietsche?

Jesus:  (ignores question)  Pergolesi?  Any relation to the Pergolesi?

Leon:  There’s another one?

Jesus:  Giovanni Battista Pergolesi.  The Italian composer.  Arrived in 1736 when he was just 26.  Career cut short.  Pity.

Leon:  Never heard of him.  No.  I’m a New York Pergolesi.

Jesus:  Not one of the Sicilians I hope?

Leon:  (waves his arm to take in all the guests)  Quite a crowd you have here.

Jesus:  Oh, yes.  Imagine the catering bill!  Seven billion people on the planet now.  Do the math!  Pergolesi?  The catering company?

Leon:  Cheesecake.  We specialize.  If you ever want to spice up these parties . . .

Jesus:  Oh, thanks anyway.  Then we’d need paper plates, plastic forks, napkins and . . .

Leon:  No, no.  Geez!  Say, any chance you could introduce me to that dish over there talking to . . . ?

Jesus:  Peacock.  Thomas Love Peacock, the English novelist and poet.  He’s been crashing every single one of our soirees since 1866.

Leon:  And Thomas is talking to . . . ?

Jesus:  Haven’t met her.  Let’s go over and introduce ourselves.  (they stroll over to Thomas Peacock and the young woman.  Jesus extends his hand).  Evening!  I’m Jesus.  Hello again Thomas.  Allow me to introduce Leonardo Pergolesi from New York, a purveyor of cheesecake.  And who is this charming young woman that Thomas is hogging as usual?

Melissa:  (studies Jesus and Leon)  Melissa Hill.  Mr. Peacock and I were just talking about prayer.

Jesus:  Prayer?  A loaded subject!  Hill?  Any relation to Ambrose Powell Hill the Confederate General?

Leon:  (to Melissa) He wanted to know if I was related to Giovanni Battista Pergolesi.  Must be awful to know everyone since day one.

Melissa:  Who was Giovanni?  Like, the chocolate magnate?

Jesus:  Italian composer.  Nipped in the bud at age 26.

Thomas Peacock:  Melissa and I were just agreeing what a scam prayer is.  Can you imagine God answering the typical prayer?  Suppose Christian prayers were actually answered.  Think about it for a minute.  Every single Muslim and Buddhist, and what have you, would soon get on the bandwagon.  There’d be a massive switcheroo for all the wrong reasons.  Everyone tugging on God’s sleeve.

Leon:  You mean like the Mob becoming Christian so God would help them with their rackets?

Jesus:  There’s the rub.  Obviously we can’t go helping every Tom, Dick and Harry every time they petition us.  Can you imagine the ruckus in the casinos?  “God!  God!  Give me an ace!  Give me an ace!”

Melissa:  That’s what my boyfriend used to shout.  Not in the casinos, but you know, when . . .

Jesus:  Anyhoo!  It just wouldn’t work.

Leon:  And the guys upstairs, watching the action on closed circuit.  You know, talking to the dealer via a little earpiece.  “Give him an ace and we’ll break your kneecaps!”

Thomas Peacock:  What guys upstairs?  You mean like St. Peter, or Gabrielle?  (looks directly at Leon)  Who lets these people in anyway?

Jesus:  Gabriel.  Not Gabrielle for pity’s sake.

Leon:  No!  The mobsters upstairs in the casino!  Say, Melissa, would you like to go downstairs and catch the Elvis show?  I saw he was billed for tonight at 10.