This new year promises to be the best yet (well, better than the 1929/1930 one, anyway…). 2005 will usher in good and bad just as in any year - but let's take the time to look forward to the good things coming our way! There'll be lots of war, so the news will always be interesting! The "Option 5" tax plan will see mortgage, property tax, and state tax deductions disappear so us Blue Staters will finally be paying our fair* share! The holidays all fall on the weekends again, so we don't have to deal with all those pesky days off! The falling dollar means domestic tourism will be high as people will have to vacation in the states because the price to visit Indonesian pre-pubescent bordellos will just be too high! Iraq will have free and fair* elections for the first time since Hammurabi and we're sure to see a friendly, secular, progressive government that brings peace and stability over there forever! George Bush's twin daughters will be the most wanted bachelorettes in the country, and they've already consulted with Brittney Spears for marriage pointers! The Jets win the Super Bowl, the Mets win the Series, the Knicks take the Championship and the Rangers win on Celebrity Hockey Jeopardy! Gay marriage will be legalized in New Jersey, Jim McGreevey will run again and win, and John Waters will become the First Husband of New Jersey! The New Jersey governors mansion will be hotter than Studio 54 circa 1975! Clarence Thomas will become the first black Chief Justice and the first black Chief Justice to overturn Brown v Board of Education! Abortion will become a thing of the past and all the good Christian people will come together and take care of all the needs of hundreds of thousands of unwanted children who are sure to all grow up to be doctors and engineers! Every Friends actor makes a movie and ten minutes out of one of the films is actually tolerable! Afghanistan joins the EU! George "Dubya" Bush will continue to mangle the English language which means plenty more Bushisms for our desk calendars! The New York Yankees will surpass $200,000,000 on their payroll which will finally make the South Bronx a wondrous new Utopia! Bobby McFerrin releases Mozart album featuring all abdominal sounds! Sean Hannity will catch up with Rush Limbaugh and Bill O'Reilly by coming out with his very own scandal involving sex, drugs AND bestiality, and his Fox viewer ratings will double! The budget deficit will hit 1 trillion dollars but it's okay because the actual value of those dollars will be only 20 bucks! Cher and Frankie Munoz wed! After a massive coronary, Dick Cheney's head will be transplanted onto a giant robot that terrorizes Tokyo until Godzilla comes and destroys him! The City of New York will break ground for the West Side Stadium, projected finishing date January 13, 2159 with a final cost of only 86 trillion dollars** (But we still lose the 2160 Olympics to the world's greatest superpower, Vietnam)! Osama Bin Laden will finally be captured - at a movie theatre in Chicago! The Constitution will be amended to accommodate foreign-born presidents and Rupert Murdoch, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Sonia Gandhi announce their campaigns for 2008! The entire world laughs so hard at us they all give themselves hernias! Israel and Palestine finally make peace as nuclear holocaust destroys the world and the Jehovah's Witnesses inherit the Earth!
* "fair" being in the Fox News "fair and balanced" sense of the word
** Actual value = $13.50